GENERAL PRAISE
Dear Wolfe Sisters,
I think your songs are excellent, as is your site. My favourite song is ****INSERT SONG******* as it reminds of the time I lost my goldfish. I enclose a cheque for *****INSERT AMOUNT******** as I think it's criminal that you don't write songs full time. I would be very grateful if you could write a song about two goldfish who have lived together for number of years and have become friends and then one of them gets fished out by a cat. I also write songs, and the next time that you are in ****INSERT PLACE **** we should go bowling.
Yours sincerely,
Dear Wolfe Sisters,
I think your songs are excellent, as is your site. My favourite song is ****INSERT SONG******* as it reminds of the time I lost my goldfish. I enclose a cheque for *****INSERT AMOUNT******** as I think it's criminal that you don't write songs full time. I would be very grateful if you could write a song about two goldfish who have lived together for number of years and have become friends and then one of them gets fished out by a cat. I also write songs, and the next time that you are in ****INSERT PLACE **** we should go bowling.
Yours sincerely,
GUSHING PRAISE
Dear Wolfe Sisters,
I cannot live without hearing another song of yours. Due to the extreme beauty of your songs I have left my husband and am presently drifting from one town to another, screaming out your lyrics and getting into fights. I also write songs, and the next time that you are in **** INSERT PLACE **** I think we should get married. I enclose a CD of one of my songs. It is an hour long, and is about being on tour with the Wolfe Sisters. I hope you enjoy listening to it as much as I do. I've also made sixteen different biscuits based on each one of your songs, and would gladly send them to you if you would let me have your postal address.
Forever yours,
Dear Wolfe Sisters,
I cannot live without hearing another song of yours. Due to the extreme beauty of your songs I have left my husband and am presently drifting from one town to another, screaming out your lyrics and getting into fights. I also write songs, and the next time that you are in **** INSERT PLACE **** I think we should get married. I enclose a CD of one of my songs. It is an hour long, and is about being on tour with the Wolfe Sisters. I hope you enjoy listening to it as much as I do. I've also made sixteen different biscuits based on each one of your songs, and would gladly send them to you if you would let me have your postal address.
Forever yours,
INAPPROPRIATE PRAISE
Darling Wolfe Sisters,
I listen to your songs and imagine us running through the woods together, or robbing banks dressed in bikinis. Please ignore the five emails I sent earlier, I haven't slept for six days straight, and thought you might want to see pictures of the tattoos my friend has done on me. Unfortunately his spelling is not so good and he can't draw wolves so well, so I had to make do with cats. I think it says 'The Wuf Sisters' but it's on my back so I'm not sure. If your songs were jam I would smear them all over my legs. I hope soon they will allow us the internet connection in here, and I will then finally be able to listen to them.
Darling Wolfe Sisters,
I listen to your songs and imagine us running through the woods together, or robbing banks dressed in bikinis. Please ignore the five emails I sent earlier, I haven't slept for six days straight, and thought you might want to see pictures of the tattoos my friend has done on me. Unfortunately his spelling is not so good and he can't draw wolves so well, so I had to make do with cats. I think it says 'The Wuf Sisters' but it's on my back so I'm not sure. If your songs were jam I would smear them all over my legs. I hope soon they will allow us the internet connection in here, and I will then finally be able to listen to them.
CRITICAL
To Whom it May Concern,
I am frankly disgusted by your songs, and think this website is extremely pointless. You obviously find yourself far funnier than anyone else does. Who on earth would want to listen to you groaning and grumbling away about failed relationships. I can only imagine that you forced those poor women to sing at gunpoint. I've listened to The First One To Leave well over twenty times now, and each time I become angrier and angrier.
To Whom it May Concern,
I am frankly disgusted by your songs, and think this website is extremely pointless. You obviously find yourself far funnier than anyone else does. Who on earth would want to listen to you groaning and grumbling away about failed relationships. I can only imagine that you forced those poor women to sing at gunpoint. I've listened to The First One To Leave well over twenty times now, and each time I become angrier and angrier.
CRITICAL/EQUINE
Dear Wolfe Sisters,
As a large farmyard horse, it may come as no surprise to you that most, if not all, of your songs are utterly meaningless to me. As ever, no mention of nosebags, sugar cube treats or itchy saddles. Frankly, if you could spend more time writing songs and less writing yourself imaginary letters from animals I expect there would be a vast improvement in the quality of the songs. A few lines about tail brushing and early morning gallops would be most appreciated by your equine fan-base.
Yours,
Dear Wolfe Sisters,
As a large farmyard horse, it may come as no surprise to you that most, if not all, of your songs are utterly meaningless to me. As ever, no mention of nosebags, sugar cube treats or itchy saddles. Frankly, if you could spend more time writing songs and less writing yourself imaginary letters from animals I expect there would be a vast improvement in the quality of the songs. A few lines about tail brushing and early morning gallops would be most appreciated by your equine fan-base.
Yours,
EXTREMELY CRITICAL/MISGUIDED
You bastards,
My grandfather fought and died for people like you. My grandmother had to dance for the Gestapo three times a night, four times on a Sunday. My uncle was actually in the Gestapo, how do you think he would feel? I find the recording quality of all your songs extremely poor, and though you may intend to replace tracks with better recorded versions, I for one will not be using this website again. In point of fact, I only had the misfortune to chance upon these pages whilst trying to research the famous siestas that Thomas Wolfe used to take, only to find clumsy word play and letters from wholly fabricated people. For your information, whilst I may be fabricated, I still expect websites to deliver more than just a handful of clumsily recorded songs.
You bastards,
My grandfather fought and died for people like you. My grandmother had to dance for the Gestapo three times a night, four times on a Sunday. My uncle was actually in the Gestapo, how do you think he would feel? I find the recording quality of all your songs extremely poor, and though you may intend to replace tracks with better recorded versions, I for one will not be using this website again. In point of fact, I only had the misfortune to chance upon these pages whilst trying to research the famous siestas that Thomas Wolfe used to take, only to find clumsy word play and letters from wholly fabricated people. For your information, whilst I may be fabricated, I still expect websites to deliver more than just a handful of clumsily recorded songs.
CRITICAL CLASSIC #1 : CAPS LOCK
I AM UTTERLY DISMAYED BY THE SONGS ON THIS WEBSITE. YOU CLEARLY WANT TO SOUND LIKE NICK CAVE OR TOM WAITS, BUT END UP SOUNDING LIKE A THIRD RATE MUMFORD AND SONS. IT IS ALSO OBVIOUS THAT THE LADIES SINGING ON THESE SONGS ARE NEITHER SISTERS OR WOLVES. USE OF A NYLON STRING GUITAR IS HISTORICALLY INACCURATE, AND I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO UPGRADE MY SUBSCRIPTION IN ORDER TO ACCESS THE ADULT AREA. I FIND YOUR ATTITUDE TO SONGWRITING EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE, AND SOME OF THE CHORDS ON YOUR SONGSHEETS SEEM TO BE WRONG, AS IT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT WHEN I PLAY IT. THIS HAS CAUSED A GREAT DEAL OF FRICTION BETWEEN MY WIFE AND I, AS SHE IS ONLY A BEGINNER ON THE HARMONICA AND IS EASILY THROWN BY INVERSIONS AND DIMINISHED SEVENTHS.
I AM UTTERLY DISMAYED BY THE SONGS ON THIS WEBSITE. YOU CLEARLY WANT TO SOUND LIKE NICK CAVE OR TOM WAITS, BUT END UP SOUNDING LIKE A THIRD RATE MUMFORD AND SONS. IT IS ALSO OBVIOUS THAT THE LADIES SINGING ON THESE SONGS ARE NEITHER SISTERS OR WOLVES. USE OF A NYLON STRING GUITAR IS HISTORICALLY INACCURATE, AND I HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO UPGRADE MY SUBSCRIPTION IN ORDER TO ACCESS THE ADULT AREA. I FIND YOUR ATTITUDE TO SONGWRITING EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE, AND SOME OF THE CHORDS ON YOUR SONGSHEETS SEEM TO BE WRONG, AS IT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT WHEN I PLAY IT. THIS HAS CAUSED A GREAT DEAL OF FRICTION BETWEEN MY WIFE AND I, AS SHE IS ONLY A BEGINNER ON THE HARMONICA AND IS EASILY THROWN BY INVERSIONS AND DIMINISHED SEVENTHS.